Stoic from anger suppression

There were times when I looked back,
Where I regretted my inaction,
Because you convinced me to stay,
And take your side all the time.

I looked back and found things,
Where I regret not walking away,
When your temper bursts,
Using my well-being as your excuse.

You were shouting at someone and making a scene,
And when I tried calming you, you turned on me,
“Why aren’t you on my side? You’re my girlfriend!”
I should’ve walked away back then.

You also once reminded me too much,
That if I leave you you will kill yourself,
That I am your only reason to live,
I should’ve told you, “your life is not my responsibility.”

When I was breaking up with you in private,
Because of my sympathy for your reactions,
You pushed me down and cried while begging,
“Just one last sex, because it might never happen again.”

I should’ve slapped you then,
But my emotions shut itself down,
I couldn’t understand what I was feeling,
Was it pity, was it anger, or was it disgust?

You tried your best to get me pregnant,
I knew then but I was feeling lost,
I didn’t know whether to stop you or just let you,
Because I was so confused because I’ve told you not to.

I regretted that I didn’t push you away,
Because you convinced me from the start it was your right,
Your right as my boyfriend, to have sex often,
Because I’m your girlfriend, and I should let you.

Why didn’t I realize the signs in the beginning,
When I rejected you and you didn’t stop,
Spreading rumors and pressuring me,
To stop me from resisting so you can get what you want.

I really wish I was stronger back then,
To see the signs of your wrong actions,
But the society brought me up with misogynist views,
I didn’t know better, no one could’ve told me.

I wish I’ve woken up sooner,
To know that your control is only because I let you,
Because I was strong but too kind to you,
When you never deserved my kindness from the start.

Making room for someone else

I check myself and found out,
I was writing a lot about you,
So I asked myself why,
And I found out my reasons.

I spent a lot of time with you,
Full of anger and sadness,
Sometimes with void I can’t explain,
And my lack of will to live.

I didn’t like what we were,
And you didn’t want to let go,
Because I was your beacon and driftwood,
And you didn’t want to drown.

And I noticed one time,
You can live on your own,
With no need for my support,
But you still wouldn’t let go.

I was useful and beneficial,
With my resources and company,
I was a trophy and a mannequin,
Just for you to show off.

Then I thought again,
I never wrote happy things,
When I thought about you,
Because I wasn’t happy at all.

And I only wrote happy things,
When I look at the future,
Places you wouldn’t be in,
And times you wouldn’t be around.

And now that I’ve left you,
I will exhaust all this angst,
My anger against you,
Then I’ll be writing about someone else.

Never lose yourself

When you know what you’re against,
And you fight for it yourself,
Then you’re pressured from all sides,
To the point where you waver,
It hurts to fold to a lie,
A lie you told yourself against you.

When you’re just trying to make sense,
Of the things that surround you,
Just existing is disorienting,
And you are no longer sure,
All your certainties are vanishing,
Because someone turned on you.

It was easy to get stuck in a limbo,
Where you are certain of just one thing,
To fool yourself into submission,
So nothing troublesome happen,
But when you wake up my dear,
That’s when the nightmare starts.

When you wake with frightening certainty,
You have been wronged by yourself,
You have been manipulated against you,
And you have made mistakes you can’t change,
It hurts all the more that you trusted,
The lie that you spun for yourself.

It is painful to realize,
You stole choices from yourself,
You were confused and you were slow,
You were abused and you didn’t know,
You are hurt yet can’t complain,
Because it makes you feel worse.

And when you finally gain strength,
Strength to end everything wrong,
Something has been planted on you,
A limiter to your own possibilities,
It hurts and it’s bittersweet,
Because it’s something you must welcome.

Imagine it

Ignorant

Imagine a child without a friend in the world,
Who her peers had shunned for difference,
And the guys made fun of for naivety,
Imagine that and wonder how her life had been.

Imagine a daughter her parents had loved,
But always fretted about because she was weird,
Why wasn’t she like her siblings?
They were normal and smart and had friends.

Imagine her loneliness from a town she was unwelcome,
Moving into a city looking for a place to belong,
Imagine years of gaining a friend and losing them,
Facing her journey mostly alone.

Imagine then her joy, meeting a group of friends,
They welcomed her and accepted her,
She finally belonged, she’s finally accepted,
She was happy and proud, to finally gain some friends.

Imagine then, when one of those friends,
Turned his eyes to her and fancied her,
To finally feel wanted and pleasing,
To feel like not a reject and unpleasing.

Confused

Imagine too when she rejected the guy,
For her family and for herself,
Then her friends turning on her,
Because it was speculated that she was a tease.

Imagine then the pressure she faced,
To simply go along and accept what she’s handed,
And to accept even the things she’s reluctant to,
Simply because it was normal and it was what was done.

Alone

Imagine then her world growing up,
Isolated with no one to really complain to,
Even when things started going wrong,
She wasn’t even aware they were that bad.

Imagine then when her parents found out,
The things she gave up for “love”,
That she was lying to herself about love,
Just to keep what she finally had.

Disappointment

And when things were really really bad,
And she realized it and stopped at her tracks,
And her parents were reprimanding her,
For being stupid and doing what’s “normal”.

Imagine how it hurt her, for her parents to shun her,
To ask her what they lacked for her,
To come home and find that her plea was denied,
Because she was stupid and unchaste.

Imagine then her frustrations, to be told what they thought,
That a woman’s chastity, is just a trophy for men,
That all the more now, she was told she will be unwanted,
Because she is now tainted, dirty and used.

And in this situation, she was told her mother’s dream,
To have her married happily, with a husband who can earn,
To have children while supported and welcomed by the world,
Imagine then seeing her life fall apart from those words.

Good bye

I have written you a letter,
Full of anger and grievance,
Because I can bear you no more,
And I will leave and be happy.

I will meet you and greet you,
With smiles and peace,
But I will leave you and wreck you,
Because you never deserved me.

I was naive when you met me,
But I know better now,
Because I will believe myself,
And I will not blame me.

This is your fault,
From beginning to end,
Your forceful temper,
And your manipulative words.

I will set myself free,
In a place I can vanish,
You will not catch me,
Not ever again.

Misogyny killed my heart

Do you know what a kiss mean to a girl?
A dream of a romantic one with the one she chose,
Or simply put, a choice made with trust,
But you stole mine, because you wanted it.

Why was I born to an era full of wrong,
Where theft is blamed on thieves except chastity,
Where a stolen kiss is “romantic,”
And stolen virginity is your own fault.

Why didn’t I realize in my naivety,
When you stole my kiss, you stole my choice,
When you disregarded my voice, you would ignore my pleas,
And you would hurt me by stealing my very freedom.

You view me as yours and something you gained,
Someone you worked hard on to give you what you want,
That with your words, I would falter,
Because I SHOULD love you after you’ve given me “so much”.

You see my possessions as something of yours,
With enough of my freedom just so I don’t complain,
But you manipulate me with words to get what you want,
With the money I worked for and my body that “SHOULD” belong to me,

All these reasons and you still call me selfish,
When I said no and you tell me to stop playing coy,
You say you love me but you just want company,
Because your life is miserable and full of discontent.

Tell me now what you told me back then,
When you told me you love me and RESPECT me.
That you would listen to me and protect me from harm,
When the most threatening one was you all along.

The draining game

I have asked you a few times before,
Every year I turn older, I pose the same question,
“Do I look my age?
Will I still pass as a teenager?”

You will always tell me that I look younger,
I will always look younger than I am,
But it seems like people will not mistake it,
And I’ve asked myself why.

I still look young, my skin and my smile look young,
It’s in my genes and disposition,
But I wouldn’t pass for a young lady anymore,
That’s right, I’ve grown too cynical.

And I realized I’ve been swallowed whole,
By this system and inescapable cycle,
Where I became just another pawn,
To another man who claimed the system earlier.

It’s seldom that people escape,
I’ve seen it happen, everywhere I look.
Is the survival of, not really the fittest,
But the crafty and those who were lucky.

It robs people’s childhood, earlier every time.
Sucking life, strength and time,
Rewarding you with traps disguised as luxury,
Always taking, never giving.

I guess it is obvious to identify,
People who are sick with this game,
But I know it’s not yet hopeless,
To aim for something better.