To have a partner

If my emotions explode from compression,
How much energy will it release?
All this anger, loneliness and fear,
What will I feel after?

Will I feel satisfied?
Will I feel better?
Because I can’t shout and my ways are blocked,
I chose myself, but what’s left of it?

Even if I express it,
There will be no one to comfort me,
No one’s warmth,
No one’s arms around me,

So why did I struggle,
When all I’ll get was this howling destruction?
Just tears and an empty table,
To eat meals just by myself.

I did this for me but why did it hurt me the most?
The loneliness and anger with no outlet to escape,
Even when sympathies are offered, there is no respite.
It just hurts, everyday, I’m reminded I’m on my own.

I don’t want him anymore, that much I know,
But I want some of what we had, intimacy and comfort,
The warmth and company, the history no one can recreate,
And no matter how I yearn for it, it’s gone.

If there is someone out there who is just right for me,
Can’t you come now?
Before I implode from this pain,
Because I need you but I can’t find you.

Never lose yourself

When you know what you’re against,
And you fight for it yourself,
Then you’re pressured from all sides,
To the point where you waver,
It hurts to fold to a lie,
A lie you told yourself against you.

When you’re just trying to make sense,
Of the things that surround you,
Just existing is disorienting,
And you are no longer sure,
All your certainties are vanishing,
Because someone turned on you.

It was easy to get stuck in a limbo,
Where you are certain of just one thing,
To fool yourself into submission,
So nothing troublesome happen,
But when you wake up my dear,
That’s when the nightmare starts.

When you wake with frightening certainty,
You have been wronged by yourself,
You have been manipulated against you,
And you have made mistakes you can’t change,
It hurts all the more that you trusted,
The lie that you spun for yourself.

It is painful to realize,
You stole choices from yourself,
You were confused and you were slow,
You were abused and you didn’t know,
You are hurt yet can’t complain,
Because it makes you feel worse.

And when you finally gain strength,
Strength to end everything wrong,
Something has been planted on you,
A limiter to your own possibilities,
It hurts and it’s bittersweet,
Because it’s something you must welcome.

Imagine it

Ignorant

Imagine a child without a friend in the world,
Who her peers had shunned for difference,
And the guys made fun of for naivety,
Imagine that and wonder how her life had been.

Imagine a daughter her parents had loved,
But always fretted about because she was weird,
Why wasn’t she like her siblings?
They were normal and smart and had friends.

Imagine her loneliness from a town she was unwelcome,
Moving into a city looking for a place to belong,
Imagine years of gaining a friend and losing them,
Facing her journey mostly alone.

Imagine then her joy, meeting a group of friends,
They welcomed her and accepted her,
She finally belonged, she’s finally accepted,
She was happy and proud, to finally gain some friends.

Imagine then, when one of those friends,
Turned his eyes to her and fancied her,
To finally feel wanted and pleasing,
To feel like not a reject and unpleasing.

Confused

Imagine too when she rejected the guy,
For her family and for herself,
Then her friends turning on her,
Because it was speculated that she was a tease.

Imagine then the pressure she faced,
To simply go along and accept what she’s handed,
And to accept even the things she’s reluctant to,
Simply because it was normal and it was what was done.

Alone

Imagine then her world growing up,
Isolated with no one to really complain to,
Even when things started going wrong,
She wasn’t even aware they were that bad.

Imagine then when her parents found out,
The things she gave up for “love”,
That she was lying to herself about love,
Just to keep what she finally had.

Disappointment

And when things were really really bad,
And she realized it and stopped at her tracks,
And her parents were reprimanding her,
For being stupid and doing what’s “normal”.

Imagine how it hurt her, for her parents to shun her,
To ask her what they lacked for her,
To come home and find that her plea was denied,
Because she was stupid and unchaste.

Imagine then her frustrations, to be told what they thought,
That a woman’s chastity, is just a trophy for men,
That all the more now, she was told she will be unwanted,
Because she is now tainted, dirty and used.

And in this situation, she was told her mother’s dream,
To have her married happily, with a husband who can earn,
To have children while supported and welcomed by the world,
Imagine then seeing her life fall apart from those words.

My mantra

I will be fine, I will be fine,
I will be brave and strong,
I will weather this storm,
I will find happiness too.

I will just try my best,
With the things I have been dealt,
Because it’s too late to change,
And I will just hope to do fine.

I still have hope,
If I can prove them wrong,
Because I will find happiness,
One way or another.

I know I have to give up on some,
But I know I will gain more,
I just have to believe,
That everything will be fine.

I will be fine, I will be fine,
True love will find me,
Even in this mess,
I will be fine, I will be happy.

I don’t like trouble…

Why must you blame me?
For all the wrong things,
The discords and unkempt,
And every other little thing.

Am I not nice to you?
I am meek and obedient,
And I try to please you,
Why do you blame me so?

Am I not loved?
Am I less precious?
Am I unimportant?
Or am I dispensable?

Is it that I’m not quarrelsome?
That I don’t hold grudges,
I don’t pout around and be grumpy,
Is it that I’m just too easy?

Love me, too, please,
Because I try to be nice,
When others are not,
Don’t ignore me.

Middle children

We were young and happy,
We were annoying and crazy,
Our parents were often furious,
And we never did stay put.

I was the worse one between us,
With all the issues and care,
You were the quiet one and precious,
Our family’s first born heir.

We were mistaken as twins,
We were mischievous and troublesome,
We almost burned the house down,
And we were just 4 and 3 years old.

I missed what we were,
We got along and we had fun,
We annoyed each other a lot,
We fought and made up.

I don’t know how we drifted,
As usual, it’s probably my fault,
Even if it’s not, they would disagree,
Because you’re precious and I’m not.

I hated you and I loved you,
Even when we are now like strangers,
We rarely talk and laugh,
You are no longer familiar to me.

I wish we could be siblings again,
Like we used to when we were young,
When we fought and made up,
And brew trouble and got busted.