And she’s happy now

Would you have stayed if she was poor?
Would you have noticed her if she was ugly?
If her legs didn’t catch your attention,
Or your pride taken over your logic?

You have never really loved her,
All she was to you was a trophy because she looked pretty,
She was useful because you lust for her,
She was rich, so you used her to get what you want.

She willingly gave you options and her help,
The resources she could’ve spent for herself,
And time she could’ve been happy with another,
All this were just wasted on your arrogance.

She might have done almost everything right,
But your eyes only see your insecurities,
You called your few sincere actions “effort”,
And all her actions, you turned to selfishness.

You lost her, and she’s better off now,
She’s happier alone than when she was with you,
You will never learn who she truly was,
Because you were just in love with your idea of her.

Stoic from anger suppression

There were times when I looked back,
Where I regretted my inaction,
Because you convinced me to stay,
And take your side all the time.

I looked back and found things,
Where I regret not walking away,
When your temper bursts,
Using my well-being as your excuse.

You were shouting at someone and making a scene,
And when I tried calming you, you turned on me,
“Why aren’t you on my side? You’re my girlfriend!”
I should’ve walked away back then.

You also once reminded me too much,
That if I leave you you will kill yourself,
That I am your only reason to live,
I should’ve told you, “your life is not my responsibility.”

When I was breaking up with you in private,
Because of my sympathy for your reactions,
You pushed me down and cried while begging,
“Just one last sex, because it might never happen again.”

I should’ve slapped you then,
But my emotions shut itself down,
I couldn’t understand what I was feeling,
Was it pity, was it anger, or was it disgust?

You tried your best to get me pregnant,
I knew then but I was feeling lost,
I didn’t know whether to stop you or just let you,
Because I was so confused because I’ve told you not to.

I regretted that I didn’t push you away,
Because you convinced me from the start it was your right,
Your right as my boyfriend, to have sex often,
Because I’m your girlfriend, and I should let you.

Why didn’t I realize the signs in the beginning,
When I rejected you and you didn’t stop,
Spreading rumors and pressuring me,
To stop me from resisting so you can get what you want.

I really wish I was stronger back then,
To see the signs of your wrong actions,
But the society brought me up with misogynist views,
I didn’t know better, no one could’ve told me.

I wish I’ve woken up sooner,
To know that your control is only because I let you,
Because I was strong but too kind to you,
When you never deserved my kindness from the start.

Just stay safe

We are alive and we learn,
Nothing has ended yet,
Our pains might be difficult,
But struggle is a sign of life.

If you need a stranger to listen,
To problems you can’t tell your friend,
I’m here, I’ll listen,
But let me do the same with my poems.

We might be islands separated by seas,
But we have bridges and ears,
We suffer and we push through,
We are not alone and we are loved.

We are not invisible,
But our struggles might go unnoticed,
So we reach out,
To faraway ears.

We are not alone,
We are in pain but we are alive,
There is tomorrow when you reach out,
Talk to a friend or stranger.

Sometimes we need protection,
Not from external injuries,
Sometimes for emotional pain,
Often, from our own selves.

To have a partner

If my emotions explode from compression,
How much energy will it release?
All this anger, loneliness and fear,
What will I feel after?

Will I feel satisfied?
Will I feel better?
Because I can’t shout and my ways are blocked,
I chose myself, but what’s left of it?

Even if I express it,
There will be no one to comfort me,
No one’s warmth,
No one’s arms around me,

So why did I struggle,
When all I’ll get was this howling destruction?
Just tears and an empty table,
To eat meals just by myself.

I did this for me but why did it hurt me the most?
The loneliness and anger with no outlet to escape,
Even when sympathies are offered, there is no respite.
It just hurts, everyday, I’m reminded I’m on my own.

I don’t want him anymore, that much I know,
But I want some of what we had, intimacy and comfort,
The warmth and company, the history no one can recreate,
And no matter how I yearn for it, it’s gone.

If there is someone out there who is just right for me,
Can’t you come now?
Before I implode from this pain,
Because I need you but I can’t find you.

Never lose yourself

When you know what you’re against,
And you fight for it yourself,
Then you’re pressured from all sides,
To the point where you waver,
It hurts to fold to a lie,
A lie you told yourself against you.

When you’re just trying to make sense,
Of the things that surround you,
Just existing is disorienting,
And you are no longer sure,
All your certainties are vanishing,
Because someone turned on you.

It was easy to get stuck in a limbo,
Where you are certain of just one thing,
To fool yourself into submission,
So nothing troublesome happen,
But when you wake up my dear,
That’s when the nightmare starts.

When you wake with frightening certainty,
You have been wronged by yourself,
You have been manipulated against you,
And you have made mistakes you can’t change,
It hurts all the more that you trusted,
The lie that you spun for yourself.

It is painful to realize,
You stole choices from yourself,
You were confused and you were slow,
You were abused and you didn’t know,
You are hurt yet can’t complain,
Because it makes you feel worse.

And when you finally gain strength,
Strength to end everything wrong,
Something has been planted on you,
A limiter to your own possibilities,
It hurts and it’s bittersweet,
Because it’s something you must welcome.

Imagine it

Ignorant

Imagine a child without a friend in the world,
Who her peers had shunned for difference,
And the guys made fun of for naivety,
Imagine that and wonder how her life had been.

Imagine a daughter her parents had loved,
But always fretted about because she was weird,
Why wasn’t she like her siblings?
They were normal and smart and had friends.

Imagine her loneliness from a town she was unwelcome,
Moving into a city looking for a place to belong,
Imagine years of gaining a friend and losing them,
Facing her journey mostly alone.

Imagine then her joy, meeting a group of friends,
They welcomed her and accepted her,
She finally belonged, she’s finally accepted,
She was happy and proud, to finally gain some friends.

Imagine then, when one of those friends,
Turned his eyes to her and fancied her,
To finally feel wanted and pleasing,
To feel like not a reject and unpleasing.

Confused

Imagine too when she rejected the guy,
For her family and for herself,
Then her friends turning on her,
Because it was speculated that she was a tease.

Imagine then the pressure she faced,
To simply go along and accept what she’s handed,
And to accept even the things she’s reluctant to,
Simply because it was normal and it was what was done.

Alone

Imagine then her world growing up,
Isolated with no one to really complain to,
Even when things started going wrong,
She wasn’t even aware they were that bad.

Imagine then when her parents found out,
The things she gave up for “love”,
That she was lying to herself about love,
Just to keep what she finally had.

Disappointment

And when things were really really bad,
And she realized it and stopped at her tracks,
And her parents were reprimanding her,
For being stupid and doing what’s “normal”.

Imagine how it hurt her, for her parents to shun her,
To ask her what they lacked for her,
To come home and find that her plea was denied,
Because she was stupid and unchaste.

Imagine then her frustrations, to be told what they thought,
That a woman’s chastity, is just a trophy for men,
That all the more now, she was told she will be unwanted,
Because she is now tainted, dirty and used.

And in this situation, she was told her mother’s dream,
To have her married happily, with a husband who can earn,
To have children while supported and welcomed by the world,
Imagine then seeing her life fall apart from those words.