And she’s happy now

Would you have stayed if she was poor?
Would you have noticed her if she was ugly?
If her legs didn’t catch your attention,
Or your pride taken over your logic?

You have never really loved her,
All she was to you was a trophy because she looked pretty,
She was useful because you lust for her,
She was rich, so you used her to get what you want.

She willingly gave you options and her help,
The resources she could’ve spent for herself,
And time she could’ve been happy with another,
All this were just wasted on your arrogance.

She might have done almost everything right,
But your eyes only see your insecurities,
You called your few sincere actions “effort”,
And all her actions, you turned to selfishness.

You lost her, and she’s better off now,
She’s happier alone than when she was with you,
You will never learn who she truly was,
Because you were just in love with your idea of her.

Advertisements

Stoic from anger suppression

There were times when I looked back,
Where I regretted my inaction,
Because you convinced me to stay,
And take your side all the time.

I looked back and found things,
Where I regret not walking away,
When your temper bursts,
Using my well-being as your excuse.

You were shouting at someone and making a scene,
And when I tried calming you, you turned on me,
“Why aren’t you on my side? You’re my girlfriend!”
I should’ve walked away back then.

You also once reminded me too much,
That if I leave you you will kill yourself,
That I am your only reason to live,
I should’ve told you, “your life is not my responsibility.”

When I was breaking up with you in private,
Because of my sympathy for your reactions,
You pushed me down and cried while begging,
“Just one last sex, because it might never happen again.”

I should’ve slapped you then,
But my emotions shut itself down,
I couldn’t understand what I was feeling,
Was it pity, was it anger, or was it disgust?

You tried your best to get me pregnant,
I knew then but I was feeling lost,
I didn’t know whether to stop you or just let you,
Because I was so confused because I’ve told you not to.

I regretted that I didn’t push you away,
Because you convinced me from the start it was your right,
Your right as my boyfriend, to have sex often,
Because I’m your girlfriend, and I should let you.

Why didn’t I realize the signs in the beginning,
When I rejected you and you didn’t stop,
Spreading rumors and pressuring me,
To stop me from resisting so you can get what you want.

I really wish I was stronger back then,
To see the signs of your wrong actions,
But the society brought me up with misogynist views,
I didn’t know better, no one could’ve told me.

I wish I’ve woken up sooner,
To know that your control is only because I let you,
Because I was strong but too kind to you,
When you never deserved my kindness from the start.

I am stronger

I was too kind to you,
I forgot to be kind to myself,
I was too concerned about your happiness,
That I forgot about mine.

We have been happy too,
But you hide from your issues,
You shun my words because I was nagging,
Because you forgot to be self sufficient.

I am again thinking back,
Because I was sincere with you,
I tried my best to be good and kind,
But you’ve never done the same to me.

It was regretful that I was too worried for you,
That I didn’t notice me destroying myself,
Twisting hard to things I don’t want,
Because you kept on telling me your false truths.

You made me think it was alright,
It’s what I should do and my responsibility,
But your life is yours, and my life is mine,
I will not be swayed by your beliefs that shatter my soul.

I am my own person, I’m not in charge of your future,
You manipulated me to stay, to use me,
But I am free now and I looked back,
You only seemed strong because I let you.

Just stay safe

We are alive and we learn,
Nothing has ended yet,
Our pains might be difficult,
But struggle is a sign of life.

If you need a stranger to listen,
To problems you can’t tell your friend,
I’m here, I’ll listen,
But let me do the same with my poems.

We might be islands separated by seas,
But we have bridges and ears,
We suffer and we push through,
We are not alone and we are loved.

We are not invisible,
But our struggles might go unnoticed,
So we reach out,
To faraway ears.

We are not alone,
We are in pain but we are alive,
There is tomorrow when you reach out,
Talk to a friend or stranger.

Sometimes we need protection,
Not from external injuries,
Sometimes for emotional pain,
Often, from our own selves.

Making room for someone else

I check myself and found out,
I was writing a lot about you,
So I asked myself why,
And I found out my reasons.

I spent a lot of time with you,
Full of anger and sadness,
Sometimes with void I can’t explain,
And my lack of will to live.

I didn’t like what we were,
And you didn’t want to let go,
Because I was your beacon and driftwood,
And you didn’t want to drown.

And I noticed one time,
You can live on your own,
With no need for my support,
But you still wouldn’t let go.

I was useful and beneficial,
With my resources and company,
I was a trophy and a mannequin,
Just for you to show off.

Then I thought again,
I never wrote happy things,
When I thought about you,
Because I wasn’t happy at all.

And I only wrote happy things,
When I look at the future,
Places you wouldn’t be in,
And times you wouldn’t be around.

And now that I’ve left you,
I will exhaust all this angst,
My anger against you,
Then I’ll be writing about someone else.

Good bye to ex-

If I scrolled down far enough,
I would meet you again,
On my timeline and messages,
In my phone and my memory.
If I went to your street,
I can see you as soon as I want.
If I knocked at your door,
You would let me in.
But I’m not allowing myself.
No matter how lonely it gets,
This life and my battles,
Are mine alone now,
And your life and your battles,
You can no longer dump them on me.
I grew up from learning from you,
From learning not get used by you,
And I will never go back to you,
Because I choose to build myself,
And build my own life,
No longer revolving around yours.
Because you had me,
But you did all the wrong things,
You kept on using me,
Disguising it as love,
But it wasn’t.
I was just attached to company,
To history and false promises.
They were all empty things,
You were just using me,
To fill your void that’s not my problem.
So, goodbye,
And good riddance.

To have a partner

If my emotions explode from compression,
How much energy will it release?
All this anger, loneliness and fear,
What will I feel after?

Will I feel satisfied?
Will I feel better?
Because I can’t shout and my ways are blocked,
I chose myself, but what’s left of it?

Even if I express it,
There will be no one to comfort me,
No one’s warmth,
No one’s arms around me,

So why did I struggle,
When all I’ll get was this howling destruction?
Just tears and an empty table,
To eat meals just by myself.

I did this for me but why did it hurt me the most?
The loneliness and anger with no outlet to escape,
Even when sympathies are offered, there is no respite.
It just hurts, everyday, I’m reminded I’m on my own.

I don’t want him anymore, that much I know,
But I want some of what we had, intimacy and comfort,
The warmth and company, the history no one can recreate,
And no matter how I yearn for it, it’s gone.

If there is someone out there who is just right for me,
Can’t you come now?
Before I implode from this pain,
Because I need you but I can’t find you.