Stoic from anger suppression

There were times when I looked back,
Where I regretted my inaction,
Because you convinced me to stay,
And take your side all the time.

I looked back and found things,
Where I regret not walking away,
When your temper bursts,
Using my well-being as your excuse.

You were shouting at someone and making a scene,
And when I tried calming you, you turned on me,
“Why aren’t you on my side? You’re my girlfriend!”
I should’ve walked away back then.

You also once reminded me too much,
That if I leave you you will kill yourself,
That I am your only reason to live,
I should’ve told you, “your life is not my responsibility.”

When I was breaking up with you in private,
Because of my sympathy for your reactions,
You pushed me down and cried while begging,
“Just one last sex, because it might never happen again.”

I should’ve slapped you then,
But my emotions shut itself down,
I couldn’t understand what I was feeling,
Was it pity, was it anger, or was it disgust?

You tried your best to get me pregnant,
I knew then but I was feeling lost,
I didn’t know whether to stop you or just let you,
Because I was so confused because I’ve told you not to.

I regretted that I didn’t push you away,
Because you convinced me from the start it was your right,
Your right as my boyfriend, to have sex often,
Because I’m your girlfriend, and I should let you.

Why didn’t I realize the signs in the beginning,
When I rejected you and you didn’t stop,
Spreading rumors and pressuring me,
To stop me from resisting so you can get what you want.

I really wish I was stronger back then,
To see the signs of your wrong actions,
But the society brought me up with misogynist views,
I didn’t know better, no one could’ve told me.

I wish I’ve woken up sooner,
To know that your control is only because I let you,
Because I was strong but too kind to you,
When you never deserved my kindness from the start.

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To have a partner

If my emotions explode from compression,
How much energy will it release?
All this anger, loneliness and fear,
What will I feel after?

Will I feel satisfied?
Will I feel better?
Because I can’t shout and my ways are blocked,
I chose myself, but what’s left of it?

Even if I express it,
There will be no one to comfort me,
No one’s warmth,
No one’s arms around me,

So why did I struggle,
When all I’ll get was this howling destruction?
Just tears and an empty table,
To eat meals just by myself.

I did this for me but why did it hurt me the most?
The loneliness and anger with no outlet to escape,
Even when sympathies are offered, there is no respite.
It just hurts, everyday, I’m reminded I’m on my own.

I don’t want him anymore, that much I know,
But I want some of what we had, intimacy and comfort,
The warmth and company, the history no one can recreate,
And no matter how I yearn for it, it’s gone.

If there is someone out there who is just right for me,
Can’t you come now?
Before I implode from this pain,
Because I need you but I can’t find you.

On keeping friends

When I graduated from being bullied,
I was surrounded by new people,
I tried my best to be better,
To no longer cry and show anger.

I did my best to fit in,
To be jolly and friendly,
I had lots of acquaintances,
I knew a lot of people,

Before I realized it,
I have turned stoic and apathetic,
I trusted no one,
I held no deep attachment.

I wanted friends to hangout with,
But I had no one and I was lonely,
No one will call me out of the blue,
No one to hang out with during breaks.

I don’t know how I got new friends,
I wasn’t aware until it began,
They call me out and we hang around,
We go out and we broke a few rules.

I was still unattached,
But I knew I could stay,
I could call them my friends,
Even when I’m not priority.

I guess with how things went,
What I learned the most was,
I should not kill my emotions,
Just so I can blend in.

They might think me as a friend,
But they will plant no roots on me,
When they know I’ll just leave,
As easily as I arrived.

We all have our reasons

There are words that rhyme in my mouth,
I have thoughts in my head I want to share,
I have feelings in my heart I want you to know,
And I have tears I have yet to shed.

I’ve had a happy life, a blessed childhood,
We had good fortune and golden lessons,
We learned, we laughed, we cried and shared,
We are happy, but what’s missing?

I was brought up happy, and I look happy,
I share my smile but not my heart,
I laugh loud but shed silent tears,
I look happy, you will think I’m happy.

“Others have it worse” or so they say,
I am blessed and fortunate,
This I really believe,
But things are amiss, and you have no clue.

I have a will to please and I wish you proud,
Of the daughter you raised as best as you can
I wanted you happy, no regrets, no worries,
But here I am, not much of a person.

I am obedient and I am proud,
Of what you’ve taught me and things you showed me,
But what of me have I shown?
When I have always been ordered to do as told?