To have a partner

If my emotions explode from compression,
How much energy will it release?
All this anger, loneliness and fear,
What will I feel after?

Will I feel satisfied?
Will I feel better?
Because I can’t shout and my ways are blocked,
I chose myself, but what’s left of it?

Even if I express it,
There will be no one to comfort me,
No one’s warmth,
No one’s arms around me,

So why did I struggle,
When all I’ll get was this howling destruction?
Just tears and an empty table,
To eat meals just by myself.

I did this for me but why did it hurt me the most?
The loneliness and anger with no outlet to escape,
Even when sympathies are offered, there is no respite.
It just hurts, everyday, I’m reminded I’m on my own.

I don’t want him anymore, that much I know,
But I want some of what we had, intimacy and comfort,
The warmth and company, the history no one can recreate,
And no matter how I yearn for it, it’s gone.

If there is someone out there who is just right for me,
Can’t you come now?
Before I implode from this pain,
Because I need you but I can’t find you.


Short term cures

I need a bubble bath,
To soothe my rage,
To soothe my sadness,
To make me feel better.

I want to hide in a cozy corner,
Read a book all day today,
To not get out of my bed,
To feel happy things I lack.

Give me a pet to love,
To know that I am needed,
To feel that I am wanted,
To be cuddled and soothed.

I want a jar of happiness,
To pass it around and share,
Because I know that right now,
I am not the only one who is sad.

The things we share

I can’t always be happy,
Will you allow me grief?
Grief for the little things,
I can’t even name.
I don’t want to cry,
But when I get silent,
Can you stay with me?
Maybe pat my head,
Or sing me a song?
I won’t cry right now,
You wouldn’t know what to do,
So I’ll just stay quiet,
And think things through.
I don’t really want to talk,
I just want company,
Will you let me be selfish,
For a night or a week?

I won’t stay sad,
I have to smile for you,
I have to smile for others,
Or they wouldn’t know what to do.
They don’t know I’m unhappy,
But few really do.
Can you let me be sad,
Just while I’m with you?
I just want company,
The times I feel lonely.
We all have ups and downs,
The downs we share with few,
It’s nothing really new,
It’s just that no one knew.
I have downs too,
And these I share with you.

We all have our reasons

There are words that rhyme in my mouth,
I have thoughts in my head I want to share,
I have feelings in my heart I want you to know,
And I have tears I have yet to shed.

I’ve had a happy life, a blessed childhood,
We had good fortune and golden lessons,
We learned, we laughed, we cried and shared,
We are happy, but what’s missing?

I was brought up happy, and I look happy,
I share my smile but not my heart,
I laugh loud but shed silent tears,
I look happy, you will think I’m happy.

“Others have it worse” or so they say,
I am blessed and fortunate,
This I really believe,
But things are amiss, and you have no clue.

I have a will to please and I wish you proud,
Of the daughter you raised as best as you can
I wanted you happy, no regrets, no worries,
But here I am, not much of a person.

I am obedient and I am proud,
Of what you’ve taught me and things you showed me,
But what of me have I shown?
When I have always been ordered to do as told?