Stoic from anger suppression

There were times when I looked back,
Where I regretted my inaction,
Because you convinced me to stay,
And take your side all the time.

I looked back and found things,
Where I regret not walking away,
When your temper bursts,
Using my well-being as your excuse.

You were shouting at someone and making a scene,
And when I tried calming you, you turned on me,
“Why aren’t you on my side? You’re my girlfriend!”
I should’ve walked away back then.

You also once reminded me too much,
That if I leave you you will kill yourself,
That I am your only reason to live,
I should’ve told you, “your life is not my responsibility.”

When I was breaking up with you in private,
Because of my sympathy for your reactions,
You pushed me down and cried while begging,
“Just one last sex, because it might never happen again.”

I should’ve slapped you then,
But my emotions shut itself down,
I couldn’t understand what I was feeling,
Was it pity, was it anger, or was it disgust?

You tried your best to get me pregnant,
I knew then but I was feeling lost,
I didn’t know whether to stop you or just let you,
Because I was so confused because I’ve told you not to.

I regretted that I didn’t push you away,
Because you convinced me from the start it was your right,
Your right as my boyfriend, to have sex often,
Because I’m your girlfriend, and I should let you.

Why didn’t I realize the signs in the beginning,
When I rejected you and you didn’t stop,
Spreading rumors and pressuring me,
To stop me from resisting so you can get what you want.

I really wish I was stronger back then,
To see the signs of your wrong actions,
But the society brought me up with misogynist views,
I didn’t know better, no one could’ve told me.

I wish I’ve woken up sooner,
To know that your control is only because I let you,
Because I was strong but too kind to you,
When you never deserved my kindness from the start.

Advertisements

Never forget

Would you happen to remember,
How things happened and why?
Have you ever wished to forget,
And be yourself without that piece?

When you forget too much memories,
Your past is full of blanks,
When you think about the future,
You can’t really guess who you’ll be.

When they ask you how things happened,
You say your piece but you get persuaded,
When things happened and they twist it,
And you can’t say what you’re sure of.

Have you ever felt like a puzzle,
With pieces falling out and missing,
When you lack memories of people,
The ones you love and why.

Do you know how it feels like to forget?
When you are unsure of everything,
When the jigsaw has black pieces,
And you can’t remember who you are.

Your claims are lies

I have told you of my wish,
To leave and spread my wings,
To grow and learn some things,
I simply can’t do if I stay.

You drain my time and resources,
You claim me yet you envy me,
You wish for my pride in you,
Yet you can’t give me proof.

You say my standards are high,
I ask too much and give too little,
That my freedom of choice is selfishness,
And I should stay to keep you happy.

You wish for me like sunlight,
That I should be happy so you can be,
But I have emotions of my own,
And with you there is less so.

Give me my freedom and peace,
Live on your own and for yourself,
I do not wish to be your pillar,
When I need a support of my own.

I am alive and I changed

They say people are like reflections,
The emotions you show and feel,
The smile, the anger, the sadness,
It can be reflected back to you.

I assume that this is your reason,
Why you expect me to smile as you wish,
So you could be happy as I seem,
Even when I feel empty within.

You tell me you know me,
You say you knew that my smiles are true,
You say we’ve been happy,
And your choices are for “us”

The truth as you see right now,
Is but a fraction of me,
Because when I am unhappy and anxious,
You refuse to believe I can be.

You tell me I am your beacon,
In the night that is your life.
I am not digital, I can’t stay the same,
The things you wish for are too selfish.