Stoic from anger suppression

There were times when I looked back,
Where I regretted my inaction,
Because you convinced me to stay,
And take your side all the time.

I looked back and found things,
Where I regret not walking away,
When your temper bursts,
Using my well-being as your excuse.

You were shouting at someone and making a scene,
And when I tried calming you, you turned on me,
“Why aren’t you on my side? You’re my girlfriend!”
I should’ve walked away back then.

You also once reminded me too much,
That if I leave you you will kill yourself,
That I am your only reason to live,
I should’ve told you, “your life is not my responsibility.”

When I was breaking up with you in private,
Because of my sympathy for your reactions,
You pushed me down and cried while begging,
“Just one last sex, because it might never happen again.”

I should’ve slapped you then,
But my emotions shut itself down,
I couldn’t understand what I was feeling,
Was it pity, was it anger, or was it disgust?

You tried your best to get me pregnant,
I knew then but I was feeling lost,
I didn’t know whether to stop you or just let you,
Because I was so confused because I’ve told you not to.

I regretted that I didn’t push you away,
Because you convinced me from the start it was your right,
Your right as my boyfriend, to have sex often,
Because I’m your girlfriend, and I should let you.

Why didn’t I realize the signs in the beginning,
When I rejected you and you didn’t stop,
Spreading rumors and pressuring me,
To stop me from resisting so you can get what you want.

I really wish I was stronger back then,
To see the signs of your wrong actions,
But the society brought me up with misogynist views,
I didn’t know better, no one could’ve told me.

I wish I’ve woken up sooner,
To know that your control is only because I let you,
Because I was strong but too kind to you,
When you never deserved my kindness from the start.

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The nightmares when you are awake

I am a coward and I have cried,
The dark nights I am left alone,
The empty spaces where monsters hide,
The ghosts of the dead, walking, staring.

To jump away from every shadow,
To hide from my nightmares by not sleeping,
I was scared for I know I am weak,
My only armor was the prayer I was taught.

The things we feared when we were young,
The things we avoided and turned away from,
They were trivial now, so very trivial,
Now we face monsters, worse than we imagined.

The laughing strangers, and wandering hands,
That dark vacuum feeling falling into a trap,
Those lonely nights, we feel not enough,
Turning into monsters we never thought we were.

Fear of falling deep, not knowing where,
Fear of isolation, we never saw it coming,
We fear the things that we used to yearn for,
Fearing everything, not letting anything in.

We grew up, we’ve grown tired,
Their endless politics and lies,
We tried our best and we never won,
The arguments we have always been wrong.

Everything can harm you, be it soft and fluffy,
But even so, as we hoped when we were young,
To have courage and fight, for things to claim,
We might be wrong, but this is an adventure.

We grow up

When I was very young,
I told myself that everyone is my friend,
If I want something done,
I can think of a way to solve it one way or another,
That I can trust a person who smiles,
Or avoid doing things that I know are wrong,
And that life is easy as long as you follow the rules.

When I realized that I can already walk on my own two feet,
Not everyone can be your friend, you forget them and they forget you,
But you can choose a few who will always stay by your side,

I found out that I can’t do everything by myself,
And not everything is possible,
But with good people around you,
Things are much easier,
And more things are possible,

I realized that people can smile insincerely,
And sometimes, people smile just to deceive you,
That people smile to hide their sadness.

I have done things that I knew were wrong,
Because they seem interesting and I can fit in,
It’s not something I regret though, I learned from it,

And life is anything but easy,
Worse for those who always follow the rules,
And life was easy back then,
Simply because my parents are the best foundation for a home
And I can never ask for better.