Stoic from anger suppression

There were times when I looked back,
Where I regretted my inaction,
Because you convinced me to stay,
And take your side all the time.

I looked back and found things,
Where I regret not walking away,
When your temper bursts,
Using my well-being as your excuse.

You were shouting at someone and making a scene,
And when I tried calming you, you turned on me,
“Why aren’t you on my side? You’re my girlfriend!”
I should’ve walked away back then.

You also once reminded me too much,
That if I leave you you will kill yourself,
That I am your only reason to live,
I should’ve told you, “your life is not my responsibility.”

When I was breaking up with you in private,
Because of my sympathy for your reactions,
You pushed me down and cried while begging,
“Just one last sex, because it might never happen again.”

I should’ve slapped you then,
But my emotions shut itself down,
I couldn’t understand what I was feeling,
Was it pity, was it anger, or was it disgust?

You tried your best to get me pregnant,
I knew then but I was feeling lost,
I didn’t know whether to stop you or just let you,
Because I was so confused because I’ve told you not to.

I regretted that I didn’t push you away,
Because you convinced me from the start it was your right,
Your right as my boyfriend, to have sex often,
Because I’m your girlfriend, and I should let you.

Why didn’t I realize the signs in the beginning,
When I rejected you and you didn’t stop,
Spreading rumors and pressuring me,
To stop me from resisting so you can get what you want.

I really wish I was stronger back then,
To see the signs of your wrong actions,
But the society brought me up with misogynist views,
I didn’t know better, no one could’ve told me.

I wish I’ve woken up sooner,
To know that your control is only because I let you,
Because I was strong but too kind to you,
When you never deserved my kindness from the start.

Find a friend

When do you talk to yourself?
When you’re sad? Or angry?
When you are happy and eager?
Or while you are lonely?

What do you say to yourself?
Words of hate and annoyance,
Reproachful but kind words,
Or do you console yourself?

Do you hate yourself and present?
Or are you kind to yourself?
What you do to yourself,
Maybe no one will find out.

Love yourself if no one will,
Be kind to yourself if no one is,
But no man is an island,
Look around and find a friend.