To have a partner

If my emotions explode from compression,
How much energy will it release?
All this anger, loneliness and fear,
What will I feel after?

Will I feel satisfied?
Will I feel better?
Because I can’t shout and my ways are blocked,
I chose myself, but what’s left of it?

Even if I express it,
There will be no one to comfort me,
No one’s warmth,
No one’s arms around me,

So why did I struggle,
When all I’ll get was this howling destruction?
Just tears and an empty table,
To eat meals just by myself.

I did this for me but why did it hurt me the most?
The loneliness and anger with no outlet to escape,
Even when sympathies are offered, there is no respite.
It just hurts, everyday, I’m reminded I’m on my own.

I don’t want him anymore, that much I know,
But I want some of what we had, intimacy and comfort,
The warmth and company, the history no one can recreate,
And no matter how I yearn for it, it’s gone.

If there is someone out there who is just right for me,
Can’t you come now?
Before I implode from this pain,
Because I need you but I can’t find you.

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The nightmares when you are awake

I am a coward and I have cried,
The dark nights I am left alone,
The empty spaces where monsters hide,
The ghosts of the dead, walking, staring.

To jump away from every shadow,
To hide from my nightmares by not sleeping,
I was scared for I know I am weak,
My only armor was the prayer I was taught.

The things we feared when we were young,
The things we avoided and turned away from,
They were trivial now, so very trivial,
Now we face monsters, worse than we imagined.

The laughing strangers, and wandering hands,
That dark vacuum feeling falling into a trap,
Those lonely nights, we feel not enough,
Turning into monsters we never thought we were.

Fear of falling deep, not knowing where,
Fear of isolation, we never saw it coming,
We fear the things that we used to yearn for,
Fearing everything, not letting anything in.

We grew up, we’ve grown tired,
Their endless politics and lies,
We tried our best and we never won,
The arguments we have always been wrong.

Everything can harm you, be it soft and fluffy,
But even so, as we hoped when we were young,
To have courage and fight, for things to claim,
We might be wrong, but this is an adventure.