To have a partner

If my emotions explode from compression,
How much energy will it release?
All this anger, loneliness and fear,
What will I feel after?

Will I feel satisfied?
Will I feel better?
Because I can’t shout and my ways are blocked,
I chose myself, but what’s left of it?

Even if I express it,
There will be no one to comfort me,
No one’s warmth,
No one’s arms around me,

So why did I struggle,
When all I’ll get was this howling destruction?
Just tears and an empty table,
To eat meals just by myself.

I did this for me but why did it hurt me the most?
The loneliness and anger with no outlet to escape,
Even when sympathies are offered, there is no respite.
It just hurts, everyday, I’m reminded I’m on my own.

I don’t want him anymore, that much I know,
But I want some of what we had, intimacy and comfort,
The warmth and company, the history no one can recreate,
And no matter how I yearn for it, it’s gone.

If there is someone out there who is just right for me,
Can’t you come now?
Before I implode from this pain,
Because I need you but I can’t find you.


Don’t hide from me

To them I cherish I give hope,
Gentle suggestions for them to cope,
I analyse and advice,
Or I just listen until they tire.

I know of things that must be done,
What people want to hear and when,
I try to be honest and help,
Even when my hands can only pat a back.

I feel like I know what people need,
I don’t want to claim so but I try.
However it is irritating,
To know none of it applies to me.

I talk to people and share my thoughts,
From things I experienced or things I’ve read,
Still there are times I wished,
That I remained silent and unheard.

I wish to help but can’t help myself,
When I whine I reprimand myself,
“No one wants to hear it so shut it,
It’s your problem so bear it.”

I don’t know what to say,
To myself when I am this way,
I might be in trouble but I won’t complain,
When complaining makes me feel like such a pain.