Good bye to ex-

If I scrolled down far enough,
I would meet you again,
On my timeline and messages,
In my phone and my memory.
If I went to your street,
I can see you as soon as I want.
If I knocked at your door,
You would let me in.
But I’m not allowing myself.
No matter how lonely it gets,
This life and my battles,
Are mine alone now,
And your life and your battles,
You can no longer dump them on me.
I grew up from learning from you,
From learning not get used by you,
And I will never go back to you,
Because I choose to build myself,
And build my own life,
No longer revolving around yours.
Because you had me,
But you did all the wrong things,
You kept on using me,
Disguising it as love,
But it wasn’t.
I was just attached to company,
To history and false promises.
They were all empty things,
You were just using me,
To fill your void that’s not my problem.
So, goodbye,
And good riddance.

To have a partner

If my emotions explode from compression,
How much energy will it release?
All this anger, loneliness and fear,
What will I feel after?

Will I feel satisfied?
Will I feel better?
Because I can’t shout and my ways are blocked,
I chose myself, but what’s left of it?

Even if I express it,
There will be no one to comfort me,
No one’s warmth,
No one’s arms around me,

So why did I struggle,
When all I’ll get was this howling destruction?
Just tears and an empty table,
To eat meals just by myself.

I did this for me but why did it hurt me the most?
The loneliness and anger with no outlet to escape,
Even when sympathies are offered, there is no respite.
It just hurts, everyday, I’m reminded I’m on my own.

I don’t want him anymore, that much I know,
But I want some of what we had, intimacy and comfort,
The warmth and company, the history no one can recreate,
And no matter how I yearn for it, it’s gone.

If there is someone out there who is just right for me,
Can’t you come now?
Before I implode from this pain,
Because I need you but I can’t find you.

The things we share

I can’t always be happy,
Will you allow me grief?
Grief for the little things,
I can’t even name.
I don’t want to cry,
But when I get silent,
Can you stay with me?
Maybe pat my head,
Or sing me a song?
I won’t cry right now,
You wouldn’t know what to do,
So I’ll just stay quiet,
And think things through.
I don’t really want to talk,
I just want company,
Will you let me be selfish,
For a night or a week?

I won’t stay sad,
I have to smile for you,
I have to smile for others,
Or they wouldn’t know what to do.
They don’t know I’m unhappy,
But few really do.
Can you let me be sad,
Just while I’m with you?
I just want company,
The times I feel lonely.
We all have ups and downs,
The downs we share with few,
It’s nothing really new,
It’s just that no one knew.
I have downs too,
And these I share with you.